Once upon a time, in the tiny village of Morp, there lived a group of well-meaning monsters, each a pillar of the community. They lived in peace with the villagers until the day when Sir Steel Hardwood, an intrepid adventurer, arrived in town with his faithful assistant, Gary, to mercilessly slaughter them. Add to this mix the decrepit necromancer, Professor Darkmeyer, his inept apprentice, Kel Lynchpittance, and Kel’s lupine familiar, Peewee, who want to capture Sir Hardwood’s squire and steal the prize he won by slaying the dragon, a scroll with an incantation that can break the curse that Kel accidentally placed on himself and Peewee. It’s a story that only five nerds could come up with, a tale of adventure, obscenity, and idiocy that (we hope) will have you splitting your sides with laughter.
So grab your +3 swords of flaming death, don your genuine replica chain mail, and enjoy this drunken Fiasco Actual Play!
(More info after the break.)
PLAYERS / Dramatis Personae:
ALEX / Sir Steel Hardwood: A brave knight who kills monsters with Carol, his flaming sword, whether or not they deserve to be killed. When he isn’t slaying innocent creatures, he can be found at the local inn, regaling the patrons with exaggerated tales of his latest triumphs, or rooting through the possessions of his victims with his trusty “loot ladle.”
MEYER / Gary, aka “Anvil”: When Sir Hardwood came to Gary’s village seeking an evil foe to defeat, his fellow villagers gave him up to the crazy warrior. Gary was swiftly defeated, and Sir Hardwood took him as a manservant. Gary has led a pitiful life ever since, serving his dim-bulb master to the best of his ability.
ED / Professor Darkmeyer (no relation): An aged necromancer whose body is literally falling apart. He hopes to secure a younger, stronger vessel to inhabit, but only has Kel, his bumbling apprentice, to help him accomplish this.
RYAN / Kel Lynchpittance: Years ago, Kel’s parents got him an “internship” with Professor Darkmeyer, hoping that it would lead their son into a fruitful career as a necromancer. Unfortunately, they severely overestimated their son’s level of competence in the dark arts, as well as Professor Darkmeyer’s abilities as a teacher. Kel has served his master loyally ever since, manually performing a number of his bodily functions on a daily basis.
ERIK / Peewee The Were-Man: Once a strong and powerful wolf living happily in the wild, Peewee’s life took two unfortunate turns. First, he was involved in a battle with Sir Steel Hardwood, from which both of them emerged with identical scars. Second, he had the bad luck to run into Kel while the butterfingered junior necromancer was looking for a familiar. In one of his typical screw-ups, Kel cast a spell that, instead of binding Peewee as his familiar, transformed him into a werewolf and Peewee into a were-man, doomed to walk upright like some cartoonish, hairless ape on nights of the full moon.